The Terror of Akatsuki's Vacation
by Skitty and Kirara
Summary: The Akatsuki goes on vacation. Contains Jashinist Nudity Day, a random thong, Itachi's blindness, Pein's dictionary, and an unusually high amount of fainting. Warnings: Spoilers for Tobi's true identity, and of course Hidan's mouth.HIATUS
1. The Chapter With A Very Dumb Name

1They were in the Akatsuki meeting room. Which is to say, Deidara, Tobi, Sasori, Pein, Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, and Zetsu were all crammed into a walk-in closet.

Needless to say, there was much chaos.

"Kisame? You need to start working out more."

"That's...a coat hanger, Itachi."

"The great Uchiha Itachi is never wrong."

"But, Itachi–"

"He's fucking BLIND, fishface. If he wants to think that a coat hanger is his partner, then just fucking let him," Hidan said from his spot between Kakuzu and a glaringly pink wall.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes."Must you say "fuck" in every sentence?"

"FUCK YES!!!"

"Oh, and I suppose it's "Jashinist Nudity Day" as well," Kakuzu snapped back sarcastically.

Hidan looked truly grateful. "Fuck, I almost forgot. Fucking thanks for reminding me."

And with that, Hidan ripped off his clothes. To this day, it is unknown as to why or how the zealot was able to take all his clothes off in well under a second despite being squished between the wall and a man much larger than he was, but he somehow managed.

At that, all was quiet. One could probably toss a computer off a twenty mile high cliff and hear the crash as it hit the ground, if one so desired and had a computer and a twenty mile high cliff.

Pein was the first to speak.

"In–" He took out a dictionary. "–abrasion of Sasori coming back to life– No, wait that's not right..." He flipped through the dictionary for a minute or two. The others waited impatiently.

"Ah, here it is..." he muttered to himself, then cleared his throat. "In commemoration if Sasori coming back to life, we will be–"

"What the fuck is up with the dictionary? What are you, fucking retarded or something?" The interruption came from Hidan. Obviously.

Pein's eye twitched as he looked at Hidan. Then he abruptly looked away, wanting to prevent what innocence he had from being destroyed by the currently nudist immortal. "No, it's just that–"

"It isn't Leader-sama's fault! Tobi drugged Leader-sama!"

There was a pause as nine pairs of eyes turned incredulously towards the masked nin.

"...What?" Tobi asked blankly.

"Err, never mind, un," Deidara muttered. They all gave Tobi one last strange look before turning back to Pein.

"Yes, well," Pein said, now feeling a bit awkward. "As I was saying before, in commemoration of Sasori coming back to life, we will be going on a...um...on a..."

"Vacation," Konan supplied helpfully.

"Yeah. That."

There was a pause. Then...

"YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tobi screamed in Deidara's ear and flailed his arms about wildly, doing something reminiscent of a jumping jack.

"OW! SHUT UP, TOBI, UN!" Deidara roared, hands clamped over his ears.

"SORRY DEIDARA-SENPAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"IT BURNSSSSSSSSS!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRrrrrrggghhhh..." Deidara fell to the ground with a heavy-sounding thud, twitching and frothing at the mouth.

"NO, SENPAI, DON'T DIE ON MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Tobi bawled, throwing his head down onto Deidara's chest and sobbing pathetically.

He then abruptly stood up and made a flying leap for Pein, cackling maniacally.

THUD.

And another one went down.

"..."

"Well, come on, let's get packed. We don't have all day, you know." It was Konan who broke the silence, seeing as Pein was currently unconscious, with Tobi bawling over how he had "killed" yet another one of his comrades.

////////////////////////////////////

Five minutes later found various Akatsuki members packing their stuff for the trip.

"Itachi?"

"..."

"Itachi?"

"What, Kisame?"

"Is that...is that a _thong?_"

"Yes."

"...What are you doing with Konan's underwear?"

"No, this is not Konan's underwear, Kisame..."

"Wha–"

"Konan's underwear lacks hatred."

///////////////////////////

Meanwhile, in Sasori and Deidara's room, a different kind of scenario was taking place...

"This? No, un. What about... No, too fluffy, un." Deidara threw the object behind his back.

You could practically see the dark aura radiating off Sasori as he became trapped under a growing pile of stuffed bunnies of all shapes and sizes.

"Ah, here we are, un! Hey, Sasori no danna, are you ready to g– Sasori, un?"

Sasori twitched, unconscious underneath a mountainous pile of fluff and fabric.

Stuffed animals can be quite heavy, if you can get enough of them.

/////////////////////////////////

Pein looked at his checklist. "Okay, clothes, various necessities, pepper spray...looks like I have everything."

Konan blinked. "Pepper spray...?"

"FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

CRASH!

"..."

"...Pein-san? HOLY CRAP, I KILLED HIM!!!"

Konan sweatdropped as Madara freaked out over "killing" someone. Again. Pepper spray made a lot more sense now...

////////////////////////////////////

"Hidan. Put your clothes on. NOW."

"BLASPHEMY!!!" Hidan cried, pointing his scythe at Kakuzu.

"...Just get your stuff and let's go."

"YEAH!!!"

Hidan: 1

Kakuzu: 0

//////////////////////////////////

Zetsu stared forlornly at a small potted plant on his dresser.

"Now, remember, Johnny, there are fingers in the fridge if you get hungry. And don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

He turned back on the little plant and made his way towards the door, letting a single tear trickle down his cheek.

_They all grow up so fast..._

///////////////////////////////////

AN: Next chapter is the car ride! Yeah... I'm just making this up as I go...

With that said, feel free to leave ideas in the reviews. I just might end up using them. Maybe not straight away, but eventually...

PS: Ideas for the car ride are greatly appreciated. Again, I may or may not use them, but my mind works in strange ways. In other words, even if I don't use them, they'd probably help me a lot with writing it.


	2. Chapter Not Three

Finally, after several hours and various suspicious-sounding explosions, the various Akatsuki members found themselves situated inside of a large van and clinging to each other in fear as Itachi started up the vehicle.

"Leader-sama, remind me again why we're letting a blind person drive?" Kisame muttered from his seat next to Deidara.

"Because Itachi's the only who hasn't had his driver's licence revoked," Pein said, shrugging from his spot in between Tobi and the window.

"Uh huh... Wait, can blind people even HAVE driver's licences?"

"Sure they ca-... Wait. No. They can't."

"Why didn't you realize that before no-AAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame was cut off as the car jerked forwards– Itachi had slammed his foot onto the gas petal.

There was a deafening screech as the car sped down the road, going far past the speed limit.

"NO, JASHIN-SAMA, SAVE ME, I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!!" Hidan screamed, clutching his rosary.

"SHUT UP, HIDAN, UN! BESIDES, I'M _WAY_ PRETTIER THAN YOU!!! I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO SURVIVE!!!!" Deidara screamed back, holding onto Mr. Satan-fluffers the stuffed bunny tightly.

"Both of you shut up. True art is eternal and everlasting. I have made myself into art, and therefore, should be the one to survive," Sasori snapped, looking back at the two of them.

"No, you're wrong, danna, un! True art lasts for but a splitting second and then goes out with a bang," Deidara declared proudly. "Besides, I'm far closer to true art than y–"

Sasori raised an eyebrow. "Just what are you implying, Deidara...?"

"What, un? I just said tha– Oh, shit. NONONONONOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! FORGET WHAT I SAID!!!!!! I DON' WANNA DIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Deidara bawled, panicking.

Itachi turned his head from side to side in confusion. "Why are we moving?"

"TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS PEDAL!!!!!!!!!!" Pein yelled, trying to make himself heard over the ruckus.

"What? What gas pedal?" Itachi asked in confusion.

"THE ONE YOUR FOOT IS ON!!!!!!"

"Leader-sama, there is no gas pedal under my foot."

"Ugh... JUST LIFT YOUR FOOT UP!!!!!"

"NO!!!!!!!"

"WHY?!?!?!" Pein yelled in frustration.

"I'LL FLOAT AWAY, THAT'S WHY!!!!!!" Itachi yelled back.

"What the..." Pein's eyebrow twitched. "Madara-sama..." he muttered, turning to the masked man.

"Yes?"

"You drugged Itachi as well, didn't you?"

"Mayyyybeeee..." Tobi said shiftily.

"..."

"It was actually an accident."

"Oh? How so?"

"Well, Tobi thought his mug was Leader-sama's."

"Tobi..." Pein muttered in annoyance. "WHY were you trying to drug me?"

"Because..." he leaned in close to Pein's ear and whispered something.

"What was that, Tobi? I couldn't quite hear..."

"TOBI LIKES TO DO STUFF TO LEADER-SAMA!!!!!!!!" Tobi yelled, causing Pein to fall over in a dead faint.

All arguing ceased as everyone turned to look at the masked nin.

"What? What did Tobi say?"

"You...stay away from me...un," Deidara said in a shaky voice, holding Mr. Satan-fluffers in front of himself like a shield.

It was then they noticed that they had stopped moving. Apparently, Itachi, in his shock, had released his foot from the gas pedal.

They all got out of the car shakily. They were in a parking lot.

"Where are we, un?" Deidara asked, looking around.

"In a parking lot, dipshit."

"Shut up, Hidan, I KNOW that, un."

"Well then why the fuck would you ask?"

"We appear to be in New York City," Pein said calmly, getting out of the car. He had just regained consciousness several seconds ago.

Kisame looked at him skeptically. "Weren't we just in Japan a second ago?"

"Yes, Kisame. I meant the New York City in Tokyo."

"But, Leader-sama...New York City isn't IN Tokyo..."

"Shut up. I'm the leader, and if I say there's a New York City in Tokyo, then there's a New York City in Tokyo. Got it?" Pein asked dangerously.

"O-okay, Leader-sama..."

Suddenly, a woman walked up to them. "Excuse me miss, would you mind moving your vehicle? You're right in front of the parking lot entrance, and I'm afraid you're blocking traffi–"

"Miss?!" Deidara said angrily, cutting her off. "MISS?!?! JUST WHICH ONE OF US ARE YOU ADDRESSING, HM?!?!?!??!"

"But, I–"

"THERE ISN'T A SINGLE GIRL AMONG US!!!!!!! AND YOU WOULD DO BEST TO REMEMBER THAT, UN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The woman ran off, screaming about homicidal femmeboys.

Deidara felt a killer aura radiating from behind him. He turned around, scared. "K-Konan? Konan, I-I didn't mean it, un." He backed away slowly from the angry looking bluenette.

"So... "there isn't a single girl amoung us", huh, Deidara?" she asked darkly.

"U-uh... Look, Konan, I wasn't thinking, un... Really, I wasn't...un..." He faltered under Konan's menacing glare.

"Deidara?" she asked sweetly.

He gulped. "Yes, un?"

"Start running."

Which is why, when the Sand Siblings got out of their car and headed towards their pre-booked hotel for a long-awaited vacation, one of the first things they saw was a long-haired blonde criminal being chased by an angry looking woman with a paper flower in her blue hair.

They stared at the spectacle.

"Hey, Gaara..." Kankuro asked, looking at the two Akatsuki ninja in confusion. "Isn't that guy the same one who kidnapped you back in Suna?"

"You're right, he is," Gaara realized, looking on in amazement.

Temari pulled out a pair of mini-fans with the kanji for "blue" on them and started waving them around, cheering. "YAY! GO GET 'IM, BLUE!!!"

Kankuro turned to her. "Hey, can we have some of those?"

"Sure! Here."

"Thanks." Gaara and Kankuro took the fans and started cheering along with her. "GO, BLUE!!!!"

"I HATE YOU ALL, UN!!!!!" Deidara screamed as he ran back to the parking lot, Konan still on his tail.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

AN: Hmm.... Well, that was fun! n-n Review if you want. (Seriously, I like getting reviews, but I don't live off them or anything...heh...)

Oh, and... About that thing with Pein... Um, I seriously think MadaPein is my OTP. Weird, I know...most random OTP ever. I blame the dog, because the cat will just deny it anyway.

Besides, perverted!Tobi is just weird enough to be funny...I think...O.O


	3. Yet Another Stupidly Named Chapter

1Back in the parking lot, the Akatsuki were making plans for the immediate future.

"Okay, first off, we need to–OW!" Pein said as Deidara crashed into him from behind.

"Hehehe...sorry, un." Deidara scratched the back of his head sheepishly, then paled visibly as they all heard the sound of a chainsaw starting up.

Konan laughed evilly. "Deidara...YOU ARE ABOUT TO LOOSE THE THING THAT YOU LOVE MOST IN THE WORLD!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, NO, UN!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY MANHOOD!!!!! I STILL HAVEN'T EVEN DONE 'IT' YET, UN!!!!!!!!!!!"

"We didn't need to know that, Deidara..." Kisame said with a sweatdrop.

"BUT, DIDN'T YOU HEAR HER, KISAME?! SHE'S GONNA CUT IT OFF, UN!!!!" Deidara screamed in terror, clutching Mr. Satan-fluffers to his chest like a lifeline.

"Yes, Deidara... Soon, you will loose what is most important to you..." Konan said darkly, a psychotic grin on her face. "Say goodbye...TO MR. SATAN-FLUFFERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everything seemed to go in slow motion as Konan's chainsaw sliced easily through Deidara's stuffed bunny, which fell to ground in shreds. All was silent for a few seconds. Then...

"MR. SATAN-FLUFFERS, UN! NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Deidara fell to the ground, sobbing and clutching the plush's remains. "Y-you were always so good to me, un...sob...a-and, when you said...s-s-said that you wanted to take over the world...and I...I found out, you...sob...taught me how to speak to your evil minion bunnies and promised me a lifetime's supply of cheesecake..." Deidara said sadly, crying and holding bits of stuffing and fabric to his chest.

"Uhh, Deidara? Stuffed animals don't...talk..." Sasori trailed off at the glare that Deidara was giving him.

"Umm...let's just...go buy provisions or something..." Pein muttered.

Everyone else nodded, looking at Deidara wearily. Kakuzu raised his hand. "Where are you planning to go shopping? Because–"

"Did someone just say SHOPPING?!?!" Deidara, Konan, and Itachi cut Kakuzu off, eyes shining with joy.

"Uhh...NO! No, I didn't!" Kakuzu said, frantic.

"Oh, un..." Deidara said sadly, eyes tearing up once again. "Mr. Satan-fluffers..."

"ACK! Okay, okay, we'll go shopping!" Pein said hastily. After what Madara had said, he couldn't take any more weirdness. "We'll go to Wal-Mart first, and then, um..."

"THE MALL, UN!!!!"

"Alright, then we'll go to the mall."

"The MALL?! Leader-sama, do you know how much things COST there?!"

Pein didn't reply. He was too busy edging away from Tobi, who was poking Pein's arm with a plastic spork.

"LEADER-SAMA, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENI–"

"Shut up, Kakuzu! Yes, we are going to the mall, and no, that is not going to change!" Pein snapped, sick of people screaming stuff in his ear.

"Damn it. I'm down one heart," Kakuzu muttered, trudging behind the others as they made their way towards Wal-Mart.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Okay, now that we're here, we need to buy– DAMN IT TOBI, STOP POKING ME WITH THAT SPORK!!!!"

"Tobi didn't do anything, Leader-sama," Tobi said innocently, hiding the spork behind his back.

Pein sighed, holding his hand out. "Tobi. Give me the spork. Now."

"Will Leader-sama let Tobi do whatever he wants with him if Tobi hand over the spork?"

"...Never mind. You can keep the spork," Pein said faintly, looking slightly pale.

"YAY!!!!" Tobi cheered, throwing the spork up in the air. It landed on top of a shelf. "Uh-oh, Tobi's spork is stuck!"

"Who cares about the fucking spork anyway?!" Hidan yelled. "You're such a fucking idiot, seriously."

Tobi turned to him, eyes glowing an eerie red. "Never...insult...Tobi's...SPORK!!!" He ran off, giggling insanely.

"Well, that was...interesting." Sasori muttered. "Leader-sama, the shopping list?"

"Oh. Right," Pein muttered, before his eyes widened in horror. "Shit...I left it with Tobi..."

"So go get it," Kakuzu said matter-of-factly.

"YOU get it."

"You're the Leader, as well as the one who gave the list to Tobi in the first place. YOU get it."

Pein looked helplessly at Konan.

Konan shrugged. "Kakuzu's got a point, you know."

"...fine. Do whatever you want until I get back. Just stay out of trouble." And with that, Pein left to find Tobi.

////////////////////////////////////////

"Kisame? What's going on?"

"Nothing, Itachi..."

"Are you sure? Because I think I just found your mother..." Itachi said, holding up a squid he had found in the seafood section.

Kisame was deeply offended. "Do I look like a squid to you, Itachi?"

"Kisame, you need to get your vision checked. This is a chipmunk."

"Itachi. It's a...Oh, just forget it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Is THIS your mother, then?" He held up a fish in his other hand.

"Itachi, that fish is a ma..." Kisame trailed off, eyes widening in horror. "No... DADDY, HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU?!?!" He began to cry, taking out Sameheda.

"Don't worry father, your death shall be avenged!!!" Saying that, he rushed off to the frozen food section.

"...Kisame? Where did you go? Kisame?" Itachi looked around. "What are these...strange, looming objects? Did they defeat you, Kisame?"

He glared pointedly at the shelves. They remained silent. "I see... It seems we're under attack. And the opponents are very strong..."

Itachi took a deep breath...

"AMATERASU!!!!!!!!!"

//////////////////////////////

"Play-do, un? What's the point if it doesn't blow up, un?"

"It's for children, Deidara," Sasori said, browsing the aisles across from Deidara.

"Hey, danna, what do you think of adding explosives to this stuff? ...Danna, un?"

Sasori was busy examining a basket full of finger puppets.

Deidara shrugged. "Oh, well. Probably wouldn't work anyway, un." He threw the tub of Play-do behind his back, not caring where it landed.

Sasori felt something hit him on the back of the head. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.

"The design of these puppets...so simplistic, yet so beautiful...I MUST HAVE THEM ALL!!!!!"

"D-danna, un?"

"Oh, my precious darlings...you are so fragile and small, yet so full of life...your beauty is unsurpassed..."

"Sasori no danna...? Are you...are you flirting with finger puppets, un?"

"...my beloved...little ones..." Sasori cooed softly, completely ignoring Deidara.

"A-are you okay, un?" Deidara asked, eyebrow twitching.

Sasori turned to Deidara, smiling softly. "You see, Deidara? Our children are so beautiful, aren't they?" He handed the basket of finger puppets to Deidara. "They want their mommy!"

"...Sasori no danna...?"

"Yes, Deidara?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, UN?!?!!"

"What do you mean, my lovely wife?" Sasori asked, looking confused.

"Wife, un??!"

"Yes, Deidara. Why are you doing this to me? And not to mention our children!" Sasori gestured to the basket.

"W-wait, un..."

"How could you?!?!"

"S-Sasori, un?! Look, I'm sorry for hitting you on the head, but...I think I need to hit you again, un..."

Sasori blinked. "Why?"

"Because you've gone insane."

"No, wait, my love, don't do it–"

"KATSU!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

///////////////////////////////////////////

'ATTENTION! WILL THE NAKED MAN IN AISLE FIVE PLEASE REPORT TO THE SECURITY OFFICE!' the intercom blasted over the noise of the shoppers.

"Damn heathens have no religious tolerance, seriously!"

"Shut up, Hidan."

"NO! IF I WANT TO TALK, THEN I'LL FUCKING TALK! JASHIN DAMN IT!"

Kakuzu shrugged. "Fine."

Hidan blinked. "Huh? Seriously?"

"Of course not, you idiot," Kakuzu said, glowering. "However..."

"Wait, Kakuzu, what are you...NO! Not duct tape, I'M ALLERGIC TO DUCT TAPE!!!"

"You should have thought of that earlier, then."

"NO, WAIT, KAKUZU...NOOOOO!!!!!"

Five minutes later, Hidan burst out from underneath a clothing rack, clothed in a pink tutu and singing at the top of his lungs. "I FEEL PRETTYYYY, OH SO PRETTYYYYY..."

"HIDAN, GET BACK HERE!!!!" Kakuzu screamed angrily, following after the zealot. "When he said allergic reaction, this is NOT what I had in mind..."

Hidan ignored Kakuzu, instead choosing to spin around like a genuine ballerina after downing a dangerously high amount of vodka.

"HIDAN!!!!!!"

"Mooooooooo."

"Oh, great, now he's acting like a cow..."

Hidan blinked. "That wasn't me! Anyway...OH SO PRETTYYYYY–"

"MOOOOOOO."

Kakuzu was getting more irritated by the second. "Hidan, STOP DOING THAT."

"Huh? But I didn't DO it. However...AND WITTYYYY, AND–"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hidan..." Kakuzu warned, threads coming out.

"–GAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's it!" Kakuzu snarled, preparing to attack Hidan. He never got the chance, however, because something else beat him to it.

"..." Kakuzu stared blankly at the cow that, just moments before, had fallen through the ceiling and crushed his partner. The cow stared back.

"M-moo," it said feebly.

A familiar orange mask poked through the ceiling. "Tobi, what the..." Kakuzu started.

"MY EVIL PLAN IS NEAR COMPLETION!!!!" The masked man said, raising his arms to the sky and laughing in a way that sent shivers down everyone's spine. "I have avenged my spork! And now..." He chuckled darkly a bit more.

The stitched man waited, watching Tobi warily.

"Can Tobi have a lollipop?"

Kakuzu facefaulted.

/////////////////////////////////

Pein and Konan were walking from one aisle to the next, trying to find Tobi and retrieve the missing shopping list. Well, Pein was, anyway. Konan...

"Mmm, this smells delicious!" Konan said, taking a whiff of a blank sketchpad.

"Konan–" Pein began, before cutting himself off and looking at Konan strangely.

"...om nom nom nom nom..." Konan couldn't give a better response. She was too busy stuffing sheets of paper from the sketchpad into her mouth, savoring it like the finest wine.

"..." Pein just turned away slowly and walked on to the next aisle, leaving Konan to enjoy her newfound meal. He had officially found a diet stranger than Zetsu's.

Though, when he thought about it, Konan eating paper did actually make some sense.

After all, you are what you eat.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Zetsu wandered about the store aimlessly, coming upon the garden section. He decided to start up a conversation with a very beautiful-looking lily near the center of the display.

And he was currently arguing with himself.

"Hey there, good looking, whatcha doin'?"

"**No no no, girls NEVER go for stuff like that nowadays. You gotta be less obvious."**

"Oh..."

He decided to start again. "Hey there, ugly, I don't give a damn about what you're doing."

"**YOU IMBECILE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"**

"Shut up, don't speak like that in front of a lady."

"**Lady? WHAT lady? She's ugly. Now look there." **He pointed at a miniature rosebush in the corner. **"That's what I call a LADY."**

"Ugh." Zetsu wrinkled his nose. "Slut."

The rosebush seemed to point to something. Narrowing his eyes, Zetsu peered closer at the indicated object, before he drew back in fear.

It was weed killer.

After just a few milliseconds, Zetsu burst from the building, both halves screaming at the top of their lounges. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! HOMICIDAL SLUTTY KILLER ROSEBUSHES WITH WEED KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He got about five feet before colliding with a telephone pole, thus being knocked unconscious.

///////////////////////////////

A/N: I AM SOOOOOOOO SORRY!!! I know, I took forever to update! I've been REALLY busy with school and stuff, so, please forgive me? Hey, at least the chapter's longer than usual, right?

Also, was this chapter ok? I get the feeling it's not as funny as the others...

Should I finally have them check in at their hotel? They'll be doing more "touristy"/vacation stuff once they do.

Not to mention I have something special planned...(if I go through with it, that is)


	4. Insert Long And Odd Chapter Name Here

1Sasori and Deidara stared at the burning store from a distance away. Sasori turned to Deidara.

"Nice going, brat."

"Wha– h-hey, it wasn't my fault, un!!!"

"Of course it wasn't. Just like that time with the toilet seat, and the shower, and the microwave, and the neighbor's poodle..."

"I didn't do all that!!!"

Sasori continued to stare at him.

"...at least we got rid of the poodle, un."

"True...what are our orders?"

"Un...Leader-sama says to 'Meet over at the hotel in five minutes. GET OFF ME, I'M NOT A PUPPY!!!!!!'"

"...what?" Sasori looked at Deidara oddly.

"I'm...not...sure...un."

//////////////////////////

"I'll feed you, and train you, and walk you..."

"What the hell, Madara?!?!"

//////////////////////////

"..." Sasori and Deidara continued to stare blankly at one another.

"So...shall we go?"

"Yeah, un...WAIT! I NEED TO BUY A NEW STUFFED BUNNY!!!!!"

"Brat, we don't have TIME to–" Sasori was cut off by an eerie voice whispering from an alleyway.

"...how DARE you try to replace me...my servantsssssssssssssss..."

Sasori blinked. "Orochimaru...?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Sasori and Deidara fled down the street in terror.

Mr. Satan-fluffers smiled cruelly and turned to Gaara's teddy. "You see how the flee in fear at the very sound of my voice? And soon, it will be like that everywhere. Yes, soon, very soon, WE SHALL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

////////////////////////////////////////////

Kisame turned to Itachi. "So, Itachi..."

Itachi smacked headfirst into a lamppost. "Yes, Kisame?"

"Are you...? Nevermind. Anyway, where should we be going right now?"

Itachi smacked into another lamppost. "To taunt my foolish little brother."

"But, Itachi..."

"Kisame...can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"I have the strangest craving for sharkfin soup right about now."

Kisame visibly paled. "Okay, okay, taunting Sasuke it is."

"Kisame..."

"What?" Kisame looked at him nervously.

"I didn't mean that as a threat."

"Y-you mean."

Itachi nodded as he turned his head to a towards a spot about five feet to Kisame's right. "Fire Style:–"

"Er, Itachi, I'm over..." Kisame's sentence faded out as he thought better of it.

"–Giant Fireball Jut–" The incantation stopped abruptly as Itachi was suddenly cut off in what had to be the strangest way possible.

/////////////////////////////

Sasuke watched from the shadows. "Itachi," he snarled under his breath. "Today...yes, today, I will finally KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Saying that, he ran at top speed directly at Itachi, going straight to for the kill...

...and, three feet away from his older brother, somehow managed to trip over a rock where no rock had ever gone before (Read: He tripped over his own two feet, but if he admitted that to himself, his over-inflated ego would most likely implode.).

And that's when all hell, sick and tired of simply breaking loose, decided to outdo itself for once and break lose in the most horrible, amazing, peculiar, traumatizing, and all-around "holy shit there's a test tomorrow" sort of way.

//////////////////////////////////

Sasuke crashed into Itachi.

Lips first.

In other words, it was Sasuke's second on-the-lips accidental kiss.

The two, shocked, stayed like that for a second or two before...

"AAAHH!!!!!"

Sasuke and Itachi screamed in unison, jumping apart at record speed.

They continued to scream.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The two glared at each other in frustration. Both took a deep breath...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Kisame rocked back and forth in a corner. "The noise...it BURNS..." The other two ignored him.

Itachi curled up in a fetal position and began to rock back and forth, muttering to himself. "...cheesecake...hockey player's underwear...I am the overlord of the mole people..."

Sasuke stood there dumbly for several minutes, before smirking evilly and picking up a nearby stick.

He poked Itachi with it.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT THE FASHION POLICE!!!!!!!!" Itachi screamed.

Sasuke snickered to himself, then poked Itachi again.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! OWOWOWOWOW OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!"

Sasuke jabbed him in the ribs, laughing creepily.

"Wahhhhhhhhhh..." Itachi sobbed. "What have I done to deserve this?!"

Sasuke continued to poke him.

"WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?! I want my mommy!" A look of sudden comprehension showed on Itachi's face. "Oh...right."

Kisame, who had finally gotten over some of his trauma, stared at the two oddly. "When Itachi told me his little brother wanted revenge, this is NOT what I had in mind..."

////////////////////////////////////////

Twenty minutes later, the Akatsuki stood assembled in front of the hotel. They looked at the door suspiciously.

Pein cleared his throat. "Sooo...uh, why are we standing here, again?"

"BECAUSE JASHIN-SAMA COMMANDS IT!!!!!!!! YOU HEATHENS HAVE NO IDEA OF THE TRUE POWER OF JASHIN-SAMA!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL WITH EVERYTHING PINK AND FLUFFY AND BE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK BY SMALL CHILDREN AND ALL YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT AND–"

"Right...anybody else?" Pein said automatically, cutting Hidan off mid-rant.

Itachi raised his hand. "Umm...because Sasuke's a good kisser?"

"What the HELL, Itachi, un?!?!"

Pein started banging his head against the wall. Tobi and Konan grabbed some popcorn and notebook paper (respectively), and began to cheer him on.

"WOOT!!!! YAY LEADER-SAMA!!!!"

"YEAH!!!!!! THE WALL DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE!!!!!!"

Pein continued to bang his head against the wall, now chanting under his breath, "I'm surrounded by idiots, I'm surrounded by idiots, I'm surrounded by idiots, I'm surrounded by idiots..."

An old woman poked her head out the door. "Excuse me, sir, are you..." she paused, watching as Pein fainted. "...um, okay?"

"Okay? Yeah, we're okay, perfectly okay, so okay, in fact, we've never been more okay, and I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE EYEBALLS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Itachi cackled insanely.

Sasori, somehow ignoring the chaos around him, quickly jotted down in his notebook, _"Must_ _find out what drug Tobi keeps using on Pein for research purposes. It appears to be quite effective."_

Sasori snapped the notebook shut and glanced up at the old woman. His eyes went wide. "G-Grandma Chiyo?!"

////////////////////////////////////////////

AN: GAH! I'VE BEEN SO INSANELY BUSY LATELY! AND THE WRITER'S BLOCK! IT BURRRRRNS! ARRRRGH! Still, that's no excuse. I'm sorry!

I was going to make it a bit longer, but this just seemed like the perfect place to stop. Not to mention that I need to get to my HOMEWORK...(shudders in horror)

Anyway, yeah, Chiyo is the hotel manager. Next chapter, she tries to give Sasori a sex talk!

Edit: Just fixed a minor mistake. Nothing big.


	5. HELP!

I NEED HELP FROM YOU GUYS!

I'm sorry this isn't an actual chapter, but I feel like I really need to get help with ideas for this story.

I've had a major writers block on it recently, and it's like I cant think of anything humorous and creative enough...

Actually, with the last chapter, I just updated because I felt that I owed my readers something to make up for how long a break I took...

Unfortunately, with this non-optional break (a lot of stuff was going on at school, I had writer's block...) I think I've sort of "messed up" the story.

Even in the chapter before this (last real chapter) I had to pull from a roleplay I did a long time ago in order to just make it decent-length! And it wasn't even as good...

I just don't feel inspired, I guess.

So, I guess what I'm saying, is that I'll probably be taking a break for a while. But, any suggestions for the story are welcome, and will hopefully help me update sooner.

Anyways, thank you, and again, sorry that I can't seem to write this story right now, but I'll try my best to get back to it when the time is right!

-Skitty and Kirara


	6. The God Of Chairs

1Deidara sat on the bed in his room, alone. He crossed his arms and pouted angrily.

"Stupid danna, leaving me here alone, un," the blonde muttered in annoyance. Suddenly, Deidara realized something.

"I'm alone...and no one's around..." Deidara's face broke out into a grin.

////////////////////////////////////////////

"How have you been? Have you been wearing clean underwear? Why, I remember the time when you ran about naked with underwear on your head! It was simply adorable! And then there was that time when..."

Chiyo trailed off.

"Sasori?"

She was met with a door swinging on its hinges.

//////////////////////////////////////////////

Sasori burst into the room. "Deidara! Whatever Chiyo says about me, DON'T LISTEN TO– what the hell are you doing?"

Deidara was currently dancing in the nude, holding a banana up to his mouth as a fake microphone. "Hey hey you you, I don't like your girlfriend! No way no way, I think you need a new one!"

Sasori's eyebrow twitched. "Deidara."

"Hey hey you you, I could be your girlfriend!"

"Deidara."

"Hey hey you you, I know that you like me! No way no way, no it's not a secret!"

"Deidara!"

"Hey hey you you, I want to be your girlfriend!" At that moment, Deidara turned to face the doorway, giving Sasori a full frontal.

"D-D...Deidara..." Sasori put his hands up to his nose in attempt to stem the nosebleed he was getting.

"You're so fine I want mine you're so delicious–"

THUD!!!!!

Deidara blinked. "Sasori-no-danna? When did you get here, un?"

"Mmmm...whipped cream..." Sasori muttered, face down in a growing puddle of his own blood.

"D-danna..." Deidara's eyes widened in horror.

//////////////////////////////////////////

Moments later the door to Deidara and Sasori's room burst open.

"HELP! SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH SASORI-NO-DANNA, UN!!!!"

Kisame looked up from where he was playing poker solo and trying to stop Itachi from burning his cards to ashes.

"Deida– PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!!!"

"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT, UN!!!! SASORI'S DYING!!!!"

"IT'S JUST A NOSEBLEED!!!!"

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, UN!?!??!!!"

Kisame smacked his forehead in exasperation. "He has a nosebleed BECAUSE you're naked."

"Y-you mean..."

Kisame nodded.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'VE KILLED DANNA, UN!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!" Itachi screamed.

They all turned to look at him.

"Sasuke is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!" he continued, pointing at the armchair in frustration.

"Er...no he's not, Itachi."

"Silence, Kisame. You think I can't recognize my foolish little brother?"

"Sasori's deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaad..." Deidara mourned in the background.

"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame snapped.

Deidara picked up Sasori and bolted.

"Anyway..." Kisame shook his head. "Now, Itachi, what makes you think that your brother is anywhere near here?"

"Because he's in this room. He's watching us as we speak," Itachi said matter-of-factly, gesturing once again towards the armchair.

"Itachi, that's an armchair..." Kisame muttered, eyes twitching.

"Yes, Kisame. However–"

"TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!" the armchair screamed at them.

Kisame and Itachi blinked in surprise. Then...

////////////////////////////////////////

Pein, Konan, and Tobi turned as one towards the wall that Kisame and Itachi had just busted through.

"What is the meaning of this?" Pein asked angrily.

"The...the armchair..." Kisame gasped out, trying to catch his breath.

"Yes?" Pein urged.

"THE ARMCHAIR IS A GOD!!!!!!! It's an all-powerful god AND IT'S STALKING US!!!!!!!!"

Pein just looked at them blankly.

"You don't believe us, do you?" Itachi questioned in his monotone voice.

"No."

"Oh, well, okay then," Kisame said with a shrug. He and Itachi went to the door, opened it, and walked out casually, hand in hand.

A bit of plaster fell off the edge of the hole they had made.

Konan stared after them, a weird look on her face. "That was...strange."

"Indeed," Pein agreed with a nod.

////////////////////////////////////

That night, Pein held a meeting over the dinner table.

"So. We gather here today to..."

"QUIT BEING SO FUCKING SOLEMN!!!!" Hidan snarled, cutting Pein off.

"Shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu muttered, kicking the immortal zealot under the table swiftly.

"AS I was saying," Pein continued, glaring pointedly at Hidan. "Although we're on a vacation, we...well..." He looked about awkwardly.

"We have no idea what to do," Konan finished helpfully.

"...in other words, you didn't plan a thing," Kakuzu summed up, rolling his eyes at Pein's oversight.

"Well...Yeah. Pretty much." Pein rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Now, if anybody has any ideas–"

"LET'S GO SWIMMING, UN!!!!!!!!!!!!" Deidara cut in enthusiastically.

"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame cheered.

"But..."

"**We don't want to go swimming," **both Zetsus said in protest.

"Well, what would you suggest?" Pein asked them.

"Well, there's this playground nearby."

"**We were thinking of trying out some new reci–"**

"Swimming it is, then!" Pein announced hastily.

Zetsu retreated to the next table over, sulking.

////////////////////////////////////////////

So, I've finally got the next chapter out!

I know I said that Chiyo would give Sasori a sex talk, but I just couldn't find a place to put it in. And I'm sorry that this one is a bit shorter than others, but I just found a really good stopping point and it would have felt weird to make it longer, since the last scene is basically a transition to the next chapter.

Finally, I'd like to thank those who have reviewed so far, as well as the people who gave me ideas for future chapters. If you look closely and read a bit into stuff, you might notice that I've already used one of them.

Anyways...signing out!

PS: The song I used is "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne.


	7. Of Driving Skills And Harry Potter

1At ten am the next morning, the Akatsuki were once again gathered in front of the car.

"So...who's driving?" Pein asked lazily. A number of hands went up. "Who knows how to drive and isn't blind," he added, remembering last time's mishap.

All of the hands went down.

Pein blinked. "Nobody?" Somehow, this didn't strike him as a good thing.

"Well...I guess we won't be going, then..." he muttered, sweatdropping.

"NO!" Konan suddenly hit Pein over the head. "We're going to beach, because I want to work on my tan, AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!!"

"But, Konan..." Pein protested.

"No buts! Now get in the car, I'm driving!"

"But...I don' wanna goooo..." Pein whined childishly.

The others looked at him weirdly.

Pein suddenly seemed to notice where he was. "I-I mean...um...OKAY, LET'S GO!!" he announced loudly.

////////////////////////////////////////

"So, Pein," Kisame started up.

"What?" Pein answered, looking up momentarily from where he was repeatedly writing "I don't want to die like this, someone please save me!!!" on a piece of scratch paper which he planned to throw out the window to a passerby as soon as possible.

"Why are you so scared?" the fish man wanted to know. "I mean, it's just Konan..."

"Exactly."

"Huh?"

"It's Konan." Pein turned to look gravely at Kisame. "Kisame, did I ever tell any of you how Konan got to be a missing nin?"

"No, all I know is that she killed over thirty people. Why?"

"Because, Kisame...those people didn't die from Konan's NINJA abilities."

Kisame paled considerably. "You mean..."

Pein nodded gravely. "I suggest you hold on tight."

///////////////////////////////

Less than a second later, the Akatsuki's van shot out of the driveway, wheels squealing in protest at the speed. Pein screamed girlishly and clung to Kisame.

"OH MY GOD I AM GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"_YOU'RE _GONNA DIE?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!??!??!!! I STILL HAVE TO FULFILL MY LIFELONG GOAL OF DESTROYING EVERY SUSHI RESTAURANT IN EXISTENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kisame screamed back, attempting to pry Pein off him.

Konan cheered loudly, pushing even harder on the gas pedal. "ISN'T THIS FUN, BOYS?!?!" she screamed happily, turning back to look at them.

Pein's eyes widened. "KONAN!!! EYES ON THE ROAD!!!!!! _EYES ON THE ROA–_oh, shit..." He hid his face in his hands as a black-haired teenager on a...broomstick?...was knocked flying.

"KONAN, YOU JUST HIT SOMEONE!!!"

"Did I? I hadn't noticed." She glanced out the side window nonchalantly and shrugged. "Ah, well, it was just a pedestrian."

///////////////////////////////////

Meanwhile, Voldemort was busy giving a rather happy rant to whoever would listen. "Did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT?!?! ALL THIS TIME, HIM THINKING THAT HE COULD BEAT ME, THAT AVADRA KEDAVRA WOULDN'T WORK, AND YET, IN THE END, ALL IT TAKES IS ONE SPELL–"

"Sir," one of his Death Eaters cut in hesitantly, "In all actuality, sir, he appears to have been run over by a car going two-hundred-something miles per hour..."

"SHUT UP! HOW _DARE_ YOU BRING THE DARK LORD BACK TO THE PITIFUL REALITY THAT HE LIVES IN!!! Wait..."

/////////////////////////////////////

Back in the car, Madara was laughing maniacally. "Speed! More speed! And death! GO FASTER!!! KILL EVERYBODY!!! LET ALL FEAR THE ABOMINATION THAT IS THE AKATSUKI'S DRIVING SKILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What...the hell, un..." Deidara muttered, eye twitching rapidly as he inched away from the masked man.

They went over a speed bump, causing the car to practically fly up into the air before crashing into the ground a split second later.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all but Madara and Konan screamed. Pein tightened his grip on Kisame, causing him to turn some sort of unidentified color that's a precise blend of shark-man blue and holy-crap-I-can't-breathe blue.

"What the hell is wrong with you...get off me...Leader-sama..." Kisame gasped out, feeling his oxygen rapidly draining.

"Huh? Oh, sorry Kisame." Pein loosened his grip slightly.

"No, I mean...get off me."

"No."

"Why the hell not?" Kisame was losing his patience. This was NOT how the leader should act!

"Well..." Pein began sheepishly. "I left my kitten plushie at home."

Another speed bump.

"OH MY GOD, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT PART OF I CAN'T BREATHE WHEN YOU DO THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!??!??!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU DUMBASS BASTARD?!?! THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, ANYWAY?!?!!!!"

"LISTEN, YOU, I KNOW YOU'RE THE LEADER, BUT–"

"...what? What did I do?"

"Uh..."

Next to them, Hidan blinked and waved sheepishly. "Hello, Jashin-sama. Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"

Kakuzu sweatdropped. "Did you take your meds today, Hidan?"

"Meds?" Kisame asked blankly.

Hidan gave them a thumbs up and a Gai-and-Lee-esque smile. "I need no meds, for the POWER OF YOUTH AND JASHIN-SAMA ARE BOTH WITH ME!!!!"

Meanwhile, Sasori, Deidara, and "Tobi" were cowering in the back seat.

"I miss the old Hidan, un."

"Me too, Deidara, me too."

"Tobi is scared..."

///////////////////////////////////

After the fiasco with the car ride, the Akatsuki stepped out onto solid land.

"Oh, land, sweet land, how I missed you!!!" Zetsu cried, falling to his knees and kissing the ground repeatedly. The others murmured their agreement.

"Zetsu..." Konan started, looking worried.

"We will NEVER speak of this again," Pein muttered to Kisame in embarrassment, disentangling himself from the shark-man.

"Agreed."

"Had your medicine now, Hidan?"

"Fuck yeah." Hidan turned to Kakuzu. "And it's all thanks to the mighty power of Jashin-sama!"

"What the... Idiot."

"Zetsu..." Konan had her eyes on a big white dog, watching it in concern.

"Sasori? Sasori, un?" Deidara cautiously poked Sasori with his toe.

Sasori stayed huddled in the fetal position. "I want...sniff...my grandma...WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He began to cry.

"D-danna..." Deidara sweatdropped.

"ZETSU!!" Konan screamed, fed up with being ignored.

"What?"

"LOOK OUT!!!"

It was too late. Before Zetsu could turn around, a very big, very white, and very horny THING was practically on top of him.

"Well, it seems that a dog's love knows no bounds," Kakuzu stated in amusement, raising an eyebrow to emphasize.

"**Oh, shut up, will you?!"**

They suddenly noticed a brown-haired Konoha nin running towards them.

"Shit!!! AKAMARU!!!!"

The new ninja grabbed onto the dog, attempting to pull him off of the plant man. "I'm sorry, he"-grunt-"usually isn't"-heave-"like this."

"It's okay."

"**We'll just eat him later."**

//////////////////////////////////

AN: DO NOT ASK! Just, don't ask...seriously, I have no idea...

On another note, it seems I have a bit too much fun writing about car rides...I don't think that's healthy, somehow.

Anyways, I feel like this fic may be getting a bit repetitive, or something of the like. Maybe I should wrap it up soon and move on to the sequel...? I don't know, what do you guys think?

And, yes, I seriously have and idea for a sequel.


End file.
